𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭 “𝐇𝐞𝐥𝐩” 𝐈𝐟 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐟𝐮𝐥

For once, I have written this blog in one go. Writing has been a challenge lately, but over the past few weeks, I have been writing a lot. It’s often pain that triggers my writing, and if that’s what's going to get these blogs going, so be it!

Being helpful! What a wonderful feeling that is. We all want to be in a position to help others. Actually, helping anyone is a privilege, but here’s the catch: we often want to help others the way we want, not the way it suits them. You might be thinking, “What on earth is Faria on about now?” But take a moment to reflect. How many times have we helped someone exactly the way it suits them? How many times have we asked someone what they need help with? And once they told us how to help them, did we follow exactly, or did we decide to do what suited us best?

It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? Offering help, but on their terms. In all honesty, that’s how it should be because it’s not “help” if it’s not helpful - this basically means, we aren’t helping others if it’s not on their terms or if it doesn’t help them.

I've been accused of this in the past and sometimes still am. I was told to my face many times, “We can’t help you with Afiyah on your terms”. But what everyone missed is that I’m not the one setting these terms; it’s Afiyah and her needs. I’m only advocating on her behalf because I know her best and I am her mother. Afiyah cannot speak, and I am her voice. I know what works best for Afiyah. For example, when people say they want to help with Afiyah, I guide them, and I tell them what to do and how to do it so Afiyah remains calm. Passing on this information is vital to ensure Afiyah’s care plan remains consistent. If you’ve been on any of my trainings, you’ll know how important it is to maintain a consistent approach with Autistic people. But sadly, some family members took my guidance and handover as if I was bossing them around. They took great offence at the fact that I told them what to do and how to do it. They saw this as me being rigid, bossy and wanting help on “my terms”.

Well, let’s break this down so it’s easier to understand.

A family member offers help with Afiyah. I say, yes, please, that’s great. Then I lay down a few pointers. I say, “When you come to the house, please don’t knock on the door as that upsets Afiyah” (do read my blog on this to understand why). “Please leave your handbag in your car, otherwise Afiyah will dig into it” - Afiyah has severe autism and Pica. She puts everything in her mouth. When she sees someone’s handbag, she hopes there will be food in it (yes, she is food-obsessed). So, she’ll go into everyone’s bag searching for food, but in this process, she’ll eat your lipsticks, your perfumes, chewing gums, etc. If you want all your belongings ruined, be my guest; otherwise, please leave your handbag in your car. You get the gist… there’s a list of instructions to follow to make sure Afiyah doesn’t get distressed, we’re not triggering her behaviour, and we are managing property damage and so on.

Although I am the one giving out these instructions, they are for Afiyah’s and everyone’s benefit. But sadly, people take great offence when I tell them what to do, and I get labelled as bossy and arrogant when I’m simply trying to accept their help, but in a way that’s actually helpful for Afiyah and me.

Imagine someone coming into the house with a knock on the door, which has triggered Afiyah’s behaviour, and now she’s banging her head and self-harming because of that one trigger. Imagine Afiyah digging into someone’s handbag and putting a choking hazard in her mouth. Imagine her spraying her mouth with perfume, etc. How is this helpful for Afiyah or me?

It’s not just me who gets labelled as a bossy, fussy, arrogant and ultimately ‘crazy’ mother, it’s every mother who is trying to protect her autistic and disabled child. This is a common scenario in so many houses. Family members and friends fail to understand a child’s needs, and they want to help on their own terms. But the reality is, you can never help anyone, especially an autistic child, on your terms. It has to be what helps the autistic person and their family.

So, if you really want to help someone, ask them what you can do and when they tell you, follow that because that’s the only way to help someone in need.

To all the bossy and crazy mothers out there, I see you, I hear you, and I am with you ♥️

Hope this blog has enlightened you in some way, and I am sure next time you want to help someone, you’ll know what to do or more importantly, what not to do.

Until next time, my beautiful and amazing readers. Stay safe and stay blessed 🤗