𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐈𝐭 𝐃𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐈𝐭 𝐔𝐩 𝐀𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧

Oohhh… two blogs within a month! I’ve got a hundred things going on at once, but I had to stop everything to write this blog. Well, I couldn’t stop caring for Afiyah, so I am writing this while ensuring she's safe, happy and loved. I guess words are flowing, and I’m going with it. Sometimes, the blast from the past is so significant that I have to turn that pain into passion. And today, it’s in the form of words.

This blog is different from others. It’s based on the realisation that sometimes we need to break everything down to its core to start all over again. 

Afiyah broke me completely, and you know what? I am grateful to her. She unlocked a part of me that I didn’t know existed. Those who know me will know how flexible and fuss-free I am in my everyday life. I love going with the flow, adapting, changing, learning and growing every day. But then, Afiyah took things to another level. Being extremely flexible in my approach wasn’t flexible enough. She made me surrender completely to the circumstances, and I can’t thank her enough. 

By surrendering completely, I was able to look at things from a different perspective. My mindset started changing, my knowledge increased, and my skills grew. To my surprise, I was able to deal better with Afiyah’s challenging behaviours, and that helped to restore our bond. 

Afiyah started to trust me more, and her behaviour started improving. Most of us don’t realise that when we deal with challenging behaviour, our bond with our loved ones gets lost in the process. It’s so important to concentrate on restoring that bond, and sadly, it’s not something that’s talked about. 

The only way to restore my bond with Afiyah was to surrender to gain her trust again. 

You see, Afiyah only learns through actions. She doesn’t have the comprehension to understand my words. I could tell her, “Afiyah, trust me, this is the best for you because I love you”. This would never make sense to her. Whereas, if she feels she is being understood, then she is more likely to start trusting others again. After all, actions speak louder than words. 

When I say surrender, I mean giving into Afiyah’s demands completely. Now, this is more complex than it sounds. 

Normally, I wouldn’t advocate giving in to your autistic child’s demands completely, as that’s not healthy for you or the autistic person. But in my scenario, a few years ago, Afiyah and I were stuck in a vicious cycle of a battle of wills. I wanted Afiyah to continue her usual activities, but she wasn’t interested in them anymore. In my defence, I didn’t realise Afiyah was changing from within, and she didn’t want to access what she was able to before. In Afiyah’s defence, she was going through puberty, but the signs weren’t visible enough for me to understand the internal changes she was going through. 

So, in this process, the two of us were left in a vicious negative cycle because I couldn’t comprehend why she was suddenly so defiant. Sadly, this led to Afiyah losing trust in me. The one person she trusted the most, who was supposed to know her inside and out, didn’t understand her anymore. Even writing this breaks my heart, but that’s how I see things now. 

So we reached a point when Afiyah’s behaviours got extremely challenging, and one night after Afiyah slept, it suddenly dawned on me… I thought to myself, “What am I doing?”. But then I had this conflict within me of everything I had learnt over the years and tried the tested strategies that worked with Afiyah and other autistic people. Saying that I was determined to gain Afiyah’s trust back and was willing to relearn everything. 

So, at that moment, I decided to erase everything I had learnt, everything I knew that worked with Afiyah in the past, and start all over again. It was a clean slate this time. At that moment, Afiyah had broken me down completely, and she helped me rebuild our relationship again. One small example is when I gave in to Afiyah’s demands of drives at 3 a.m. because I was determined to gain her trust again. And hand on my heart, it worked. There are several examples, but too many to write, but you get the gist. There’s an article in MEN about this; click here to check it out.

If it weren’t for Afiyah and this experience, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have succeeded in my career the way I have, written a book, and helped thousands globally. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have looked at everything from a completely different perspective.

What Afiyah has unlocked within me was not possible any other way. 

What I am talking about here are extreme circumstances. When I say extreme, I want you to imagine extreme. I hope no one has to go through this with their children. But now you know that if you ever face such challenges, you must start changing your mindset first. 

Always remember, it doesn’t matter what challenges come your way; there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and my friends, that light is you 🙌🏻

So now, when I work with my disabled pupils, my primary aim is to form a bond of trust with them. Once I’ve established that, everything will follow. They are willing to learn from me, they are happy within themselves around me, and most importantly, they trust me. What more can I ask for? 

So believe in yourself. You can do this, and if you need support, get in touch. 

Thanks for reading my blogs, for all your lovely messages of support, and for sharing your personal journey; it means a lot! 

Until next time, beautiful people. Stay safe and blessed ♥️